A Little (very little) Humor for the 493rd Bomb Squadrons
Fighter Pilot’s Code
I am a hot fighter pilot.
I will not drink.
But if I do
I will not get drunk.
But if I do
I will not get drunk in public.
But if I do
I will not stagger.
But if I do
I will not fall down.
But if I do
I will fall on my face so they cannot see my wings.
Author Unknown
Aviation Goodies
A Delta Air Lines jet was traversing Arizona on a clear day. The copilot was bombarding passengers with remarks about landmarks over the PA system. “Coming up on the right side of our cabin, you can see Meteor Crater. A major tourist attraction in northern Arizona, it was formed when a lump of nickel and iron weighing 300,000 tons, 150 feet across, struck the earth at 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim: “Wow! It just missed the highway!”
Can’t remember who gave me this, but the original had a seal on it, “United States of America – War Office”. Note the date. Any spelling errors are copied from the original. Commencing January, 1920.
REGULATIONS for Operation of AIRCRAFT
1. Don’t take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.
2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.
3. Don’t turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.
4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.
5. Never get out of a machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the engine controls.
6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy position to wipe off goggles.
7. Riding on the steps, wings, or tail of a machine is prohibited.
8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.
10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.
11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.
12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.
14. Do not trust altitude instruments.
15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.
16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.
17. No spins on back or tail slides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.
18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don’t make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.
19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open throttle.
20. Don’t attempt to force machine onto ground with more than flying speed. The result is bouncing and ricocheting.
21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.
22. Do not use aeronauticle gasoline in cars or motorcycles.
23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger.
24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with its controls and instruments.
25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.
Finally—
Pilot’s Ten Commandments
1. Thou shalt abstain from the intersection takeoff for, verily, the runway behind thee, as the altitude above thee, cometh not to thine aid when thou needest them.
2. Thou shalt not linger on active runways lest thou become like unto ground sirloin.
3. Ignorest thou not thy checklists for many are the switches, handles, gauges and other demons awaiting to take cruel vengeance upon thee.
4. Thou shalt cast thine eyes to thy right and also to thy left as thou passeth through the firmament lest thy fellow pilots bring flowers to thy widow and comfort her in other ways.
5. Buzzeth not, for this shall surely incur the wrath of thy neighbors and the fury of the FAA shall be called down upon thy head.
6. Thou shalt be ever mindful of thy fuel lest there be nothing in thy tank to sustain thee upon the air and thy days be made short.
7. Trust not thine eyes to lead thee through the cloud lest the Archangel Gabriel await thee therein.
8. Thou shalt not trespass into the thunderstorm lest the tempest rend the wings from thy chariot and cast thee naked into the firmament.
9. Put not thy trust in weather prophets, for when the truth is not in, then they shall not accompany thee among thy ancestors.
10. Often shalt thou confirm thine airspeed on final lest the earth rise up and smite thee.
Burt Evans, 335th Burt Evans (thanx Burt)
DIT DIT DIT DAHHHhh.
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, “Hey! We need to get back!” “No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.” A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
“Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”
Aviation 101
Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.
If God meant man to fly, He’d have given him more money.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -then they get bigger again)
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man…. Landing is the first!
Everyone knows a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But a ‘great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
You know you’ve landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down – all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can’t really fly – they’re just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain …. but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It’s worse.
Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in liquid form.
It’s easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying, and about flying when he’s with a woman.
A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
Remember, you’re always a student in an airplane.
Keep looking around; there’s always something you’ve missed.
Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don’t have.
Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn’t have to go on all those trips.
Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
— thanks for sendin’ them in Hank Henrietta!
Technology for Country Folks
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it’s cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it’s blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C’Mon in y’all
Thanks Charles & Marilyn Gallagher